Jokes That Won't Matter Tomorrow

Some jokes that haven't mattered for weeks. Possibly a month.

2010-03-30T13:21:00.001-05:00

It was revealed this week that a man in California who was convicted of serial murder was a winning bachelor on “The Dating Game” in 1978. This should have been obvious, since every answer he gave on the show started with, “First, I’d murder you.”

According to a new study, this year could be the “tipping point” when the number of babies born to minorities outnumbers that of babies born to whites. I don’t know what it is, but somewhere in here, there’s a great racist pick- up line.

It was unveiled Monday that the design for this year’s New York City official condom wrapper is the power symbol for a computer. Personally, I would have gone with the “Caps Lock” key.

A former US Navy Intelligence officer won the USA Memory Championship last weekend for the second year in a row. Which means he REALLY must be catching hell for forgetting his wife’s birthday last Tuesday.

It’s been announced that President Obama will appear in the 1000th episode of American’s Most Wanted. “I knew it!”, said anyone who’s ever attended a Tea Party Convention.

On Monday President Obama angered teachers union officials when he voiced support for the firing of all the teachers at a failing Rhode Island school. The fired teachers were also furious and threatened to teach Obama a lesson he will forget because they’re terrible teachers.

Police in New York say that a driver for model Naomi Campbell has filed a complaint that she slapped and punched him while he was driving her around the city. In Naomi’s defense, there were a lot of punch buggies on the road that day.

A New York man has recorded images of what he claims to be a UFO flying over the Williamsburg section of the Brooklyn. It was first UFO sighting ever spotted wearing skinny jeans and blasting Belle and Sebastian.

Organizers for New York’s National Puerto Rican Day Parade said that they are ending their 30 year relationship with sponsor Captain Morgan Rum. Unfortunately, the relationship between Captain Morgan’s Rum and the parade goers is expected to be as strong as ever.

A new glow-in-the-dark roll of toilet paper is being sold on the Internet. Which begs the question: who’s pooping in the dark?

Apple is getting pressure from workers rights groups to disclose more details about its suppliers after the company revealed some of its contractors had hired underage employees. Or as Apple calls them, Nano workers.

A number of people in states that allow people to openly carry firearms, have been exercising this right by walking into their local Starbucks with their guns. Luckily, it’s impossible to shoot anyone while a Nora Jones CD is playing.

The movie Precious recently won outstanding motion picture and outstanding independent film at the 41st NAACP Image Awards. Completely snubbed by the NAACP Image Awards: “Anvil! The story of Anvil.”

2010-01-14T11:58:00.001-05:00

Reader(s)

2009-05-19T23:29:00.010-05:00

I'll be taking an indefinite hiatus from the blog. Now go live your lives.

2009-05-17T21:47:00.005-05:00

A court in Germany has fined a man over 1200 dollars for knocking off the head off a waxwork figure of Adolf Hitler in a Berlin museum. The judge reprimanded the man, saying you can’t just going around trying to destroy things just because their different than you.

Sources are saying that Brad Pitt has been drunk calling his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston saying that he is sorry and that he misses her, thus giving hope to the hundreds of women with phone numbers just one digit off from Jennifer Aniston’s.

When the Space Shuttle Atlantis lifted off on Monday it took with it a basketball that belonged to the Harlem Globetrotters. Then on Tuesday it was reported that the Space Shuttle Atlantis spilled a bucket of glitter on Mars and pantsed Jupiter.

The first streaker ever at Citi Field, the New York Mets' new stadium, ran onto the field Tuesday. Let’s just say it was not the moment you wanted to be staring at the Jumbo Tron.

Harrison Ford revealed this week that he is engaged to his longtime girlfriend Calista Flockhart. Sources say he put a ring around her finger then watched her tip over.

2009-05-14T14:27:00.002-05:00

Julia Roberts was photographed this week with a tattoo on her lower back that features the names of her three children. Julia said she got the tattoos so it would be easier for everyone who kisses her ass to remember her kid’s names.

A man in Georgia is recovering after becoming the first US recipient of a double hand transplant. The operation had a few hitches, but the patient still gave his surgeons two left thumbs up.

In an interview on the Insider, Lorena Bobbitt says that even 15 years after she cut off her husband's penis, he continues to sends her roses. Bobbit says she looks forward to receiving them so she can cut off the stems.

The National Rifle Association next week will present Alaska Governor Sarah Palin with an all white M-4 military rifle called the "Alaskan Hunter.” So... lay low, Levi.

Senator Chuck Schumer from New York this week proposed that the IHOP chain in New York start using only maple syrup produced in the state. And lose all its “international” credibility?

This week, Chanel, who has been named the world's oldest dog by Guinness World Records, turned 21 years old. This dog is so old, he started digging a hole in his back yard to bury himself.

A stunt man filming a car chase in New York's Times Square for a new Nicolas Cage movie crashed his Ferrari into a Sbarro’s Restaurant. The crash injured two, while the food at Sbarro’s killed 6.

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper. Sources say the recipe reveals the secret ingredient is one dollar so you can go the store and buy a can of Dr. Pepper.

2009-04-14T03:45:00.002-05:00

Actor Kal Penn, best known for his role in the Harold and Kumar movies, is joining the Obama administration as associate director of Office of Public Relations. The first PR debacle facing Penn is President Obama’s decision to make the guy from the Harold and Kumar movies the associate director of Office of Public Relations.

Police in Detroit this weekend shut down an organized pillow fight at a downtown park. Locals expressed relief that the pillow fight was squelched before it escalated into “talk about boys”.

In a deposition for his 10 million dollar lawsuit against American Apparel, Woody Allen, who is suing the company for using his image in billboard ads, said that the ads are "sleazy," "adolescent" and "infantile”, and that he’s getting turned on just talking about them.

A small number of communities throughout the country are printing their own money to help consumers make ends meet and to support struggling local businesses. This promising new trend goes by the name, “Counterfeiting”.

Researchers in Brooklyn have recently developed a drug that is capable of erasing certain memories in animals. “Thank God”, said my pet gerbil.

2009-04-05T20:07:00.004-05:00

The FDA issued an alert Monday warning people to stop eating all pistachios because of a possible salmonella contamination. “Damn it”, said the guy who just heard this after spending the last 20 minutes opening a pistachio.

It was reported that a 7300 square foot mansion owned by Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly is for sale for almost 28 million dollars. Buyer beware: The old guy smell is the least offensive odor in the place.

Many royal watchers feel that First Lady Michelle Obama violated the rules of protocol when she touched the queen on her back instead of curtsying when they met for the first time. If that’s the case, then Obama definitely broke protocol when he went in for the fist bump.

Dozens of out-of-work New Yorkers participated in the Unemployment Olympics. Unfortunately, the event was tainted when some of the participants tested positive for trust funds.

Police in Salt Lake City are searching for a man who fired two shots at a McDonald's after the drive-thru operator told him they were not serving lunch yet. Here’s a crazy thought: try looking for him at a McDonald’s around lunchtime.

It was announced last week that television ads for abortions will be allowed on British TV for the first time. The British government hopes this will finally put an end to the dangerous back alley abortion commercial.

A man in Bosnia was arrested after he tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile. And he thought she was a bitch to him before.

Fox is creating a new dating show which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women. The show will be called “More to Love”, because no one wants to be on a dating show called “Limited Options”.

A man in Ohio was arrested on charges of drunken driving after he crashed while driving a bar stool resting on top of a deconstructed lawn mower. Is it okay to give drunk drivers style points?

2009-03-16T03:49:00.003-05:00

Eddie Doyle, who was a bartender at the Boston tavern that inspired the TV show Cheers, was laid off this week after working there for 35 years. Not surprisingly, he will be replaced by Woody Harrelson.

Engineers are saying that a prototype for a floating city off the coast of San Francisco could be ready in 3 years. Unfortunately, shark engineers believe they can have a prototype for a ladder built in two.

Bill Maher debated Ann Coulter this week as part of a speaker series at Radio City Music Hall. The two debated over Iraq, the media and just how much weird sexual tension one audience could stand.

This June hordes of cyclists will participate in the ‘World Naked Bike Ride’ in which people will bike through Central Park while naked. The ride hopes to raise awareness of people who do things that are totally unnecessary.

A new study shows that chimpanzees can plan ahead like humans, although I think its safe to say our plans for world domination worked out a little better than theirs.

A man in California is building a boat made out of recycled plastic bottles and plans to sail it this spring to Australia. Hopefully, one of those bottles contains a message in it that reads, “Man, this was a dumb idea. Please tell my wife and kids I loved them.”

The Museum of Funeral Customs in Springfield, Illinois may soon close its doors because of poor attendance. And it was so young.

According to Forbes Magazine, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is now the richest man in New York City. This isn’t saying much, considering the second richest man in New York City these days is this guy.

2009-03-09T10:13:00.003-05:00

In a recent blog post, John McCain’s daughter Meghan wrote that after the 2008 presidential race, she doesn’t want to date men who voted for Obama, but is repulsed by men who are obsessive supporters of her father. So, don’t blow this one, Green party dudes.

It was reported that the emperor of Japan may visit Pearl Harbor in July. Thanks for the heads up this time.

The N.J. Senate approved a bill this week allowing the use of medical marijuana. After the bill was passed, thousands of New Jerseyans immediately called their dealers hoping to score some cancer.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors issued a proclamation declaring the first week in March to be “No Cussing Week”, which in a case of bad timing, is also LA’s annual, “Stub Your Toe Week”.

A city in New Zealand is planning to play the music of Barry Manilow in their central mall district to calm down unruly teens who congregate there. Many are skeptical of the plan, since it didn’t work when they tried it at the Copa…Copacabana.

A woman in Michigan with two wombs has given birth to twin daughters, one with each uterus. Good luck getting them to ever share a crib.

In a recent blog, Nadya Suleman, the octuplets mom, says that she only speaks to the father of her children "once a year.” That may not sound like a lot, but it’s more face time than she gives children 11 through 14.

Atlas Sports Genetics has been selling a home-analysis kit that allows parents to test if their child is genetically predisposed to have sports ability. It looks something like this:

2009-02-16T21:01:00.009-05:00

The number one movie at the box office last weekend was "He's Just Not That Into You", though it faces stiff competition this weekend with the opening of, “Friday the 13th: He’s Just Not That Into You And He’s Got A Pick Ax”.

On Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg gave US Airways pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger and his crew the key to the city. This marks the first time in which keys were given to and not being taken away from a guy named Sully.

Eight leaders of the nation's top banks appeared before Congress Wednesday to face tough questions from lawmakers regarding how they have used more than 160 billion dollars in taxpayers money. Congress was surprised to learn the answer was pens.

A New York City Councilman wants to phase out buggy-pulled horses in Central Park and replace them with eco-friendly electric replicas of Model T Fords. While this may sound less romantic, nobody ever went for a stroll in the park and stepped in a pile of Model T crap.

A man in Delaware was arrested for allegedly hiding marijuana in his children's diapers. The man was let off with a stern warning, “Huggies, not druggies.”

Activision is still planning on airing an ad for Guitar Hero that features Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps, despite the controversy surrounding their drug use. No doubt a difficult decision for the makers of a game built upon the idol worship of Joe Perry and Slash.

In his first White House news conference on Tuesday, President Obama said of the stimulus plan, "I can't tell you for sure that everything in this plan will work exactly as we hoped." Is it bad when your President starts sounding like Ben from Lost?

Barack Obama on Tuesday became the 10th American president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House news conference, but only the first to have to explain to her that it wasn’t all a dream and yes, he’s really president.

This Thursday marked the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, who is best remembered for not being able to explain this guy:

2009-02-09T10:20:00.003-05:00

The House voted Wednesday to postpone the deadline for a nationwide switch to digital TV until after June 12, giving more than 6.5 million Americans with analog TVs more time to obtain converter boxes. Or, you know, die off.

Surgeons in Maryland removed a woman's kidney through her vagina so she could give it to her ailing niece. The surgeons were hailed for both saving a life and winning a bet.

Eddie Van Halen said this week that he has created a guitar that even he cannot destroy. Now change ‘guitar’ to ‘liver’ and you’ve got something.

Paris Hilton said that she plans on helping the economy by continuing to shop. In other news, Microsoft, GE and Ford will now focus their entire businesses on making thongs and Chihuahua sweaters.

Geologists monitoring Alaska's Mount Redoubt said Sunday that the volcano is rumbling and emitting steam but has shown no drastic burst in the past 24 hours. So yeah, a volcano is showing more self-control than Christian Bale.

The New Life Church in South Dakota has been conducting boxing matches in a ring in the church to help illustrate the spiritual battles man faces, so says New Life Church’s “Father McGambling Problem”.

Joseph "Joey the Clown" Lombardo was sentenced to life in federal prison for serving as a leader of Chicago's organized crime family. Mafia Don plus clown equal scariest cellmate ever.

Nadya Suleman, the single woman who gave birth to octuplets last week, has been deluged with offers for book deals, TV shows, and other opportunities. One thing she hasn’t been deluged with: marriage proposals.

It was reported that Britney Spears has said she will cancel her upcoming "Circus" tour if she cannot bring her kids with her. If she is allowed to bring them, we could witness the first instance of kids running away from the “Circus” to join society.

2009-02-02T20:10:00.001-05:00

The high school girls basketball team in Texas that beat an opponent 100 to 0 is now apologizing for the extreme margin of victory. So far, it’s 100 apologies issued to zero apologies accepted.

The half-brother of President Barack Obama was arrested for alleged possession of marijuana on Saturday near his home in a Nairobi shantytown. Guess who got their first 3:00 am call in the White House?

A woman in Thailand broke her own record by spending 33 days and nights with 5000 scorpions. Record Shmecord. This woman just likes hanging out with scorpions.

Actress Molly Ringwald is writing a new book about life as a 40-something. The book is called, “Pretty in Pink Minivan.”

A man in California has embarked on a cross-country trek to get 50 jobs in 50 weeks in all 50 states. Doubt any of those jobs will be as the “Senior Head of the Great Timing and Decision Making Department”.

A new study shows that 2 to 3 day old babies can perceive musical patterns and can even notice when a drummer missed a beat. The study also shows that by days 4 and 5, babies can tell that Coldplay is way overrated.

Iceland's coalition government collapsed Monday, leaving the island nation in political turmoil amid a financial crisis that has pummeled its economy and required an international bailout. But really, what do you expect from a country whose main export is ice cubes.

In a series of interviews on Tuesday Rod Blagojevich talked about how he and his wife got his children a puppy over Christmas. It should be noted that the puppy gave Blagojevich a new pair of slippers and the newspaper from the driveway for the position.

2009-01-19T12:08:00.003-05:00

Pending further investigation, many experts have concluded that U.S. Airways flight 1549 was downed by a flock of geese. After hearing this, President Bush capped off his Presidency by declaring war on pigeons.

Barack Obama's inauguration will have a strong Abraham Lincoln theme, including using the bible Lincoln was sworn in with, a luncheon menu modeled on Lincoln's favorite food, and several racist states ceding from the union.

A 22 year-old woman who is auctioning off her virginity says the bids have gotten as high as 3.8 million dollars. So basically, this economy is going to suck for everyone but hot virgins.

Joseph Brooks, a New York songwriter who won an Academy Award for the Debbie Boone song "You Light Up My Life," is a suspect in five sexual assault cases. In addition, he’s suspected of pretty much ruining the song, "You Light Up My Life," for five women.

Amy Winehouse told a British paper this week that she has a new boyfriend, and that when she’s with him, “she doesn’t need drugs”, which sounded encouraging until it was discovered that this new boyfriend was made out of crack.

A new "flirting course" is being offered to aspiring IT engineers at Potsdam University in Germany, where they will learn how to write flirtatious text messages and e-mails, how to impress people at parties and how to cope with rejection. So, it’s basically a class on how to cope with rejection.

A 107 year-old Chinese woman, who never married, says she is ready for a husband now. Unfortunately, her choices have narrowed a bit, as she prefers older men.

2009-01-11T23:04:00.003-05:00

Apple announced this week that CEO Steve Jobs was once again paid 1 dollar in salary last year. No wonder the guy is starving.

Plastic surgeons in New York City are saying that as the economy worsens the demand for breast implants has dropped. Makes sense, considering it was artificial bubbles that got us into this mess in the first place.

A rock singer in England has been hiccupping for 22 straight months, in what might be God’s most unsubtle way of saying, “maybe you’d be happier playing bass.”

A man in Atlanta, who had built a replica of the White House, is now selling it because of the downturn in the economy. In other news, the McCains just bought their eighth home.

It was reported this week that Laura Bush has signed a deal to publish a memoir that will encompass her recollections of personal and historical moments. The working title of the book is, “Picking out china patterns while my husband drives the country off a cliff.”

The White House said that the idea for the gathering of all the living presidents for lunch on Wednesday came from Barack Obama. It was a group decision, however, to make George W. sit at the kiddie table.

In an interview on Fox News Sunday, former President George H.W. Bush said that he would like to see his other son, Jeb, win the presidency someday, though he’ll settle for him not ruining the country.

2008-12-15T10:54:00.002-05:00

A growing number of illegal immigrants from Mexico are returning to their home country now because of the recession. You have to give credit where credit is due- Bush finally found a way to solve the illegal immigrant problem.

British Marine archaeologists have discovered a 4 and a half inch piece of "string" they say is 8000 years old, because that sounds a little better than saying, “We got nothing”.

Veterinarians in Massachusetts on Tuesday reattached the face of a cat who had been injured by a car's fan belt. Unfortunately, they’ve reattached it to Joan Rivers.

It was announced this week that Michael Jackson's famous glittery glove will be auctioned off next week. The bidding will start at the price of hundreds of children’s’ innocence.

More than 2 million Muslims on Sunday began a pilgrimage to a town outside Mecca to cast stones at the devil, because if there’s anything that’s going to take the devil down, it’s rocks.

A man in China woke his wife from her 10 year coma by biting her toes, or a woman in China woke up from her 10 year coma to discover her husband still has a foot fetish.

A new report shows that in recent years, many women have become top executives in the pornography industry. Yet another example of women breaking through the mirrored ceiling.

An 89 year-old man and a 90 year-old woman in England became the Britain's oldest newlyweds this week when they got married. The couple is registered at the Ramsey Funeral Home & Crematory.

2008-11-24T17:51:00.002-05:00

During an interview with 60 Minutes, Barack Obama talked about getting a hypoallergenic dog for his family as well as the possibility of his mother-law moving into the White House with them. Oh my God, we’ve elected a sitcom premise.

Debby, the world's oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a Canadian zoo at the age of 42. Sadly, she died without anyone ever knowing her real name was not Debby, but Fran.

Drug dealing on the website Craigslist has become so rampant that New York's special narcotics prosecutor has asked the site to curb the thinly veiled ads that use code words to sell drugs. Good news for people who genuinely do only want to buy tickets to the “420” foot high “ski lift” on “meth mountain”.

At a gay rights rally this weekend in California, comedian Wanda Sykes revealed that she is a lesbian, while comedian Carrot Top revealed he’s actually a carrot bottom.

The Postal Service announced this week they will be reducing employee work hours and instituting a program which would push 150,000 employees into early retirement,… you know, just in case you forgot where the term “going postal” came from.

Oral Roberts University announced this week that it will lay off about 100 employees. It’s cool though. I hear Oral gives great severance.

In Germany, scientists have uncovered a 4600 year-old grave containing a man, woman and two children. It is believed to be the oldest evidence of people living as a family and the longest any couple has ever stayed together for the sake of the children.

In an interview in the New Yorker, Prince reveals that since he joined the Jehovah's Witnesses two years ago he has started knocking on doors to preach the work of his Christian denomination. Leave it to the Jehovah's Witnesses’ to make Prince showing up at your door a bad thing.

Senator Ted Stevens, the longest serving Republican in the Senate, on Tuesday narrowly lost his reelection bid. The people of Alaska have spoken, and they have “narrowly” chosen the guy who isn’t an 85-year-old convicted felon.

In a message posted Wednesday, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda's number 2 leader, insulted Barack Obama, calling him a "house negro." It should be noted that he said this only after scanning the room to make sure there weren’t any black dudes around.

2008-11-16T11:17:00.003-05:00

Ninety year-old Edith Shain, the woman from the famed 1945 Times Square picture of her being kissed by a sailor, was in New York this week to serve as a grand marshal in this week's Veterans Day Parade. Thousands of sailors attended the parade to see if she still puts out.

In the week since the Presidential election, the names Barack, Obama, Michele, Malia, and Sasha have become increasingly popular baby names. So…in your face, Piper!

Friends of Michelle Obama say that her first priority as she comes to Washington will be her two daughters, and not being "co-president", though Sasha Obama is rumored to have her eye on the “Secretary of Teddy Bear Slumber Parties” post.

Barack Obama on Monday visited the White House and was given a tour of the Oval Office by President Bush. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney graciously gave Joe Biden a tour of Castle Grayskull.

This week, Saudi Arabia presided over a two-day UN conference on religious tolerance, which was going pretty well, until the Jews showed up.

Writer Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez theorized that Barack Obama won the Presidency in part because of the "Huxtable effect," in which the hit 80s sitcom, “The Cosby Show”, helped young voters get over racial stereotypes. She also theorized that the “Mr. Roper” effect didn’t do John McCain any favors.

The stick, which a child can make into anything using their imagination, was inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame last week. Next year pile of dirt. Next year.

Many people in Africa have high expectations for Barack Obama's presidency and believe he will be able to solve many of the continent’s problems. After all, Africa has done so well with other black leaders in the past.

A man in Japan has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying that he feels more at ease in the "two-dimensional world." Dude, step away from the henatia porn.

2008-11-03T15:52:00.003-05:00

Some aides to John McCain say that they are not happy that Sarah Palin has been going "off-script" at campaign rallies and are concerned over what they describe as her “rogue” behavior. Man, it’s almost like she’s turned into some kind of maverick.

Many political insiders think that regardless of the outcome of the election, Sarah Palin could be the future of the Republican Party, assuming nobody foxier comes along.

Sarah Palin turned out to be one of the most popular costumes this Halloween, which is surprising, since the costume was sold exclusively at Saks and Neiman Marcus.

A man in Japan set fire to the hotel where he was due to get married rather than go through with the ceremony. The man now faces 10 to 20 years in “not” marriage.

A new line of Italian wines based on the hit series the Sopranos will be launched in the US this fall. This might explain the recent rise in grape whackings.

The City Council of Atlantic City has voted to lift the less-than-2-week-old ban on smoking in casinos. Hey Atlantic City- how does it feel to know Keith Richards once quit smoking longer than you did?

2008-10-27T22:16:00.005-05:00

In an effort to cut costs, ABC has sent around a "new wardrobe guidelines" memo to certain shows outlining the "maximum allowable spend" for clothes for each character- to which the Republican Party asked, “You can do that?”

Survivor host Jeff Probst has created a new reality show called "Live Like You're Dying," which takes people who don't have much time left on the adventure of a lifetime. The idea seems to be a real hit with the show’s first subject, John McCain.

Because of the ailing economy, airlines are announcing that they will have nearly 3 million less flights this year during the Thanksgiving holiday. The news is just sinking in for the millions of Turkeys who were hoping to get the heck out of Dodge for the holiday.

A 33 year-old woman, who was accused of stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. Or, as she put it, “Defense! Insanity! Defense, insanity…Whooo!!!”

A man in South Carolina was arrested this weekend after he left his 10 month old daughter in a car while he went into a strip club where his wife was performing and got a lap dance. Ahh...what couples will do to keep things fresh after having a kid.

In an attempt to broaden its appeal the white-power movement in America is marketing itself to middle America by creating social networking sites and podcasts. Well, it’s about time segregationists joined the 21st century!

A school in New York City is offering a class called "The Art of Charm," which is 3500 dollar, one-week, live-program that teaches romantically challenged men how to successfully hit on women. I’d say giving them $3500 for a bogus class is a good start.

Geologists say they have discovered more than 1000 prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a site near the Arizona-Utah border that they are calling it a "dinosaur dance floor." Also discovered by this "dinosaur dance floor": the bones of the infamous “D.J. Rex”.

Two Dutch teenagers have been convicted of theft and sentenced to community service for stealing "virtual" items in an online adventure game, thus setting the precedent that could lead to someday all of us being brought up on charges of involuntary ghost slaughter.

2008-10-21T08:23:00.007-05:00

In an interview with the Associated Press, Levi Johnston, the fiancé of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter Bristol, said that they "were planning on getting married a long time ago”. Just not to each other.

At the Philadelphia Flyers' home opener against the New York Rangers, Sarah Palin was booed as she dropped the ceremonial first puck in front of a crowd of 19,000 hockey fans who obviously hate their moms.

At a campaign rally this weekend, John McCain said that even though they are trailing Barack Obama in the polls, "we've got them just where we want them." Unfortunately, he’s been saying the same thing about Iraqi insurgents for the past five years.

PepsiCo has announced that it is cutting over 3330 jobs to give it some "breathing room" during these bad economic times. Luckily, the 3330 employees being laid off are the ones whose job is to shake the Pepsi bottles before they reach the shelf.

Six schools in Utah have introduced a Web site that allows students to anonymously report bullies, while six bullies in Utah have introduced a website that allows students to anonymously report Gaylords.

Sex offenders in Maryland have begun receiving signs in the mail that read, “No candy at this residence,” which they must post on their front doors on Halloween or face a possible parole violation. But no one told them they have to put any signs on their vans...

Ringo Starr has told fans to stop sending letters and requests for autographs, saying such mail will be thrown away after October 20th because he has too much to do. Don’t worry though- this only effects the least talented members of the Beatles fandom.

The Bush administration is taking steps for mountain bikers to gain easier access to national parks and other public lands before President Bush leaves office. That’s like someone wrecking your life and trying to make up for it with a day-pass to Great Adventure.

It was reported this week that after 8 years of marriage, Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing. For now, Madonna says she’ll probably just play the field -… mostly third base.

2008-10-13T13:53:00.004-05:00

Scientists at Hebrew University in Jerusalem have found a way to enhance the fragrance of some flowers by a factor of 10. Great news for flowers that smell like crap.

Police in Florida are searching for a "bra bandit," who they say stole 160 bras from a Victoria's Secret store. Most likely, just the work of another hard luck case with a couple of boobs at home to support.

On Sunday, Pope Benedict helped launch a week-long Bible-reading marathon on Italian television. The marathon, however, does face some stiff competition from anything else on TV that isn’t a Bible-reading marathon.

A new study shows that high-powered energy drinks, such as Red Bull, have so much caffeine in them that the government should put warning labels on the cans, -warnings such as: “hey dude- you’re about to become 10 times more obnoxious.”

A new clothing boutique in Mexico City has opened that sells bullet-proof clothing- and just in time for “back to drug war season”!

A farmer from Canada has won a contest in California with a pumpkin that weighs more than 1500 pounds. The pumpkin is also expected to be a shoe-in to win next week’s “Most Ominous Jack-O-Lantern” contest.

An investigation by students at the University of Connecticut found that 8500 dead people remained registered to vote in the state, and about 300 of them appeared to have voted since death. So basically, when told to “vote or die”, you can choose both.

Last week's jokes, today!

2008-10-06T10:41:00.006-05:00

During an interview with Katie Couric on Tuesday, Sarah Palin said that she considers herself a "feminist", a point supported by the fact that she was first runner up in Alaska’s “Little Miss Feminist” pageant, circa 1982.

A 26 year-old Nebraskan teacher was sentenced to six years in federal prison for fleeing to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him. An unfortunate ending to what the boy described as the ‘best field trip ever’.

Mathematicians at UCLA have discovered a 13 million-digit prime number, a long sought milestone that makes them eligible for a 100,000 dollar prize, which you know they’re just going to go out and blow on chalk.

For the second time this year, a GPS system has been blamed for a car-train collision after a driver followed the device's instructions and turned onto train tracks. As a precaution, drivers with the GPS system are being told to ignore any directions preceded by, "Ever feel like nothing matters anymore?"

Last Sunday the New York Mets lost their final game at Shea Stadium and were once again eliminated from the playoffs. The team looks forward to starting next season in their new stadium that wasn’t built over an ancient Indian burial ground.

A man in Florida saved his dog from a shark by diving in the water and punching the shark in the head until it let his pet go, though as far as the shark's friends know, he bumped into a reef.

Customs officers at the San Paulo, Brazil airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane. Police grew suspicious when the man started to take off before the plane.

Jatropha, a plant indigenous to Haiti that is believed to release the souls of the dead, is being considered an alternative energy source for cars, with some vehicles getting up to 35 ghosts to the gallon.

While appearing on Meet the Press this Sunday, Bill Clinton called John McCain a great man, but failed to say the same thing about Barack Obama. In his defense, the guy is tired of sleeping on the couch.

A 71 year-old man in an Oregon hospital, who was being treated for abdominal pain, was mistakenly told that he was pregnant. Not as bad as when doctors at the same hospital diagnosed a pregnant woman as fat.

The fear of losing while bidding on items online can push people to pay too much for an item, according to a new study conducted by a guy who paid $732 for pair of Chinese handcuffs.

During a Civil War re-enactment in Virginia, a Confederate soldier fired a real shot that hit a Union soldier. Unfortunately, for a while there, everyone just thought the Union soldier was just a really good re-enactor.

Last week's jokes, today!

2008-09-29T13:32:00.023-05:00

At the U.N. Assembly in New York this week, Sarah Palin got a chance to sit down and chat with former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger. This meeting was particular exciting for Palin, as she was a huge Kiss fan in the 70s.

FBI agents raided the home of a University of Tennessee student who allegedly hacked into Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account. The student was able to penetrate Palin’s email by dodging all questions posed by Yahoo’s password security and just charming his way in.

In his final speech before the UN General Assembly, President Bush urged the organization to do more to prevent terrorism "instead of only passing resolutions". Out of spite, the assembly immediately passed a resolution to do more than just to pass resolutions.

New York City police say they arrested more than a dozen people for stealing pieces of Yankee Stadium during the 85-year-old ballpark's final game, with Joey Landorff of 158th Street leading the thieves in stolen bases.

It was reported this week that a leading Saudi Arabian cleric has put out a fatwa on Mickey Mouse, declaring him an agent of Satan. You don’t even want to hear what he has to say about Mickey’s accountant, Moshe Mouse.

In this week's issue of People magazine, Clay Aiken confirmed what we’ve known for a long time: when he finally came out, it was not going to be on the cover of “Guns and Ammo”.

Last weekend, nearly 300 tow trucks participated in a parade through New York in an attempt to break the record for the world's largest tow truck parade. In a rare show of support, the tow trucks were joined by nearly 300 illegally parked cars.

This week, David Blain hung upside-down in New York’s Central Park for 60 hours, breaking his own record for most desperate way to get your attention.

The University of California is suing about 20 protesters each for up to 10,000 dollars for their sit-in in a tree that lasted 22 months. Said protesters: “good thing we saved all that money we earned while we were living in a tree for the past 22 months!”

Officials at the CIA, the FBI and the National Security Agency are encouraging their staff members to use A-Space, a new social networking site designed for the spying community. The good news is, our spy agencies are finally sharing information; the bad news is, it’s about what their favorite movie quotes are.

A woman in Idaho named Jolee Bacon won first place at the County Fair hog calling competition, though most people felt her sister, Jolene Bacon was just as good.

Jokes that mattered for a moment at some point last week

2008-09-22T10:02:00.014-05:00

Sarah Palin said she agreed to accept John McCain's offer to be his running mate after her three daughters voted for her to do it. It’s kind of cute, until you realize that this is how she’ll one day decide whether or not to bomb Iran.

Sarah Palin’s father told reporters that he taught her how to shoot and gut a moose. He then added, “but it was Sarah’s idea to make the moose’s family watch.”

Michelle Obama has landed on People Magazine’s best dressed list. Actually, so did Sarah Palin, but it was for their ‘Best dressed if it were still 1985’ list.

Sarah Palin said Monday that if elected, one of her roles in the McCain administration would involve promoting care for special-needs children. In other words, she’ll be hiring a full-time nanny.

CBS's "60 Minutes" will devote its full broadcast this week to John McCain and Barack Obama. Actually, the show will mostly be about Obama, but for some reason they’re giving McCain the last five minutes to gripe about how irritating he finds personalized ring tones.

The economy has really taken a turn for the worse this week. It’s so bad, today John McCain admitted he doesn’t know how many landscapers he has to lay off.

Tuesday, one of John McCain’s staff members credited the Senator with inventing the BlackBerry. McCain said it actually happened by accident when he was trying to create the first rotary cell phone.

A fund-raising dinner at which Barbra Streisand performed on Tuesday, helped raise 9 million dollars for Barack Obama's campaign. In other news, the Federal Reserve has granted ailing insurance company AIG an emergency Barbra Streisand concert.

According to a new report, Barack Obama's plans to raise taxes on people earning more than 250,000 dollars would cost wealthy New Yorkers almost 16 billion dollars. Boy, he’s just not done sticking it to the Clintons yet, is he?

A researcher has found that social networking sites have become more popular than porn sites. Experts believe this may be due to a growing trend of people preferring to masturbate to someone they know.

Paris Hilton is in mourning today after losing two of her dogs to a vicious coyote attack last night. Poor things. They probably weren’t even full afterwards.

"Lakeview Terrace" debuted at the top spot at the weekend box office. You know it’s a bad weekend for Hollywood when the most exciting film in the theater is named after the home you put your grandmother in.

Bobby Irwin, the 4 year-old son of the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, was seen wrestling a baby crocodile for a potential TV pilot. The pilot’s working title is, “See you soon, Papa”.

Madame Tussaud's returned a wax figure of Adolf Hitler to its Berlin branch after someone beheaded the statue. Should we be worried that Germany has an ample supply of back-up Hitler heads?

Paul McCartney's ex-wife is donating $1 million worth of soy hamburgers, soy hot dogs and soy chicken cutlets to one of the poorest neighborhoods in the Bronx. The gesture actually made one of the poorest neighborhoods in the Bronx feel bad for Paul McCartney.

According to a new book, John Lennon had sexual fantasies about his mother as well Paul McCartney. Even more disturbing- he had sexual fantasies about Yoko Ono.

Kevin Federline skipped one of his sons' birthday parties to extend his stay at a party for a new Las Vegas club. To add insult to injury, it was the new Las Vegas Chucky Cheese Club.

According to a new study, celebrity crushes are healthy and may enhance self-esteem. You know what’s not so healthy? Stalkers with high self-esteem.

"Sex and the City" author Candace Bushnell is set to a series of novels about Carrie Bradshaw's teenage years in high school. Bushnell said readers should expect less “Sex and the City” and more “Dry Humping and the Dugout.”

Moscow is helping Cuba develop its own space center. With Russia’s help, Cuba hopes they’ll soon be able to launch their first raft into outer space.

A dog in France is believed to be the first animal to appear as a witness in a murder inquiry when he "barked furiously" at a potential suspect during a preliminary hearing. Then again, he also barked at the water fountain on the way into the courtroom, so maybe that’s the murderer?

A German shepherd called 911 when his owner was having a seizure. Then the dog called in an order for two large pizzas with extra sausage while waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

Sources say Celine Dion has 11 bodyguards while on stage. They’re not there in case a deranged fan attacks her; they’re there in case her band attacks her.

The Electronics store Best Buy plans to buy Napster for $121 million in cash. After that, Best Buy plans on joining Friendster.

Brad Pitt donated $100,000 to fight a California initiative that would make same-sex marriages illegal. Pitt is either a real friend to the gay community or he wants to make sure that adopting the world’s orphan population isn’t all on him.

Scientists have discovered that eating too many vegetable-only meals can cause your brain to shrink. And if you eat vegetable-only meals while watching the Hills, your brain completely disappears.

They’re now saying there will be two more Spider Man movies, although the plot lines may be running a bit thin. The next one is just Tobey Maguire getting the Spidey suit let out a few inches.

A Florida judge has ruled it unconstitutional to ban the wearing of saggy pants that show your underwear. Hip hop community - 1. Belts- zero.

According to a new study, children whose parents argue a lot are more likely to have problems, both in school and psychologically. I could have told you that- no you couldn’t have!

Doctors are warning David Blaine that when he hangs upside down above Central Park for 60 hours next week he risks going blind. I should have mentioned, he was planning on masturbating the whole time he was hanging upside down.

Pearl Jam front man and Chicago Cubs fan Eddie Vedder released a song for the team called "All the Way." Likewise, long-time New York Mets fan, Billy Joel fans released a song for his team. That song is called, “How can you blow this again?”

2008-09-14T19:12:00.006-05:00

Sources say Sarah Palin's church is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll try giving them 10 minutes with Bristol Palin and see what happens.

Dick Cheney told reporters that he really enjoyed Sarah Palin's joke at the Republican National Convention about the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull. Apparently so- she’s now opening for him at the Dayton Funny Bone, September 25th through the 29th.

Vanity Fair has estimated that would-be First Lady Cindy McCain sported over $300,000 worth of designer clothes at the Republican National Convention. It should be noted that afterwards, Cindy graciously donated all the clothes to her favorite charity, “Republicans Women Wearing Only $200,000 Worth of Designer Clothes”.

John McCain says he’d pay the most well-off members of his cabinet one dollar per year. Said McCain, “if it’s good enough for my gardeners, it’s good enough for my cabinet.”

Barack Obama said in an interview this week that he once considered joining the military. He said ultimately he decided against it after realizing those people really cling to their guns.

While speaking at a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, Joe Biden said Hillary Clinton was more qualified than he was to be vice president. That’s when the Democrats asked the Republicans if they know of any good places to hide a Vice Presidential nominee until November.

A Jewish services group in Dothan, Alabama is offering Jewish families as much as 50,000 dollars to relocate to the small, overwhelmingly Christian town. Jews nationwide responded to the offer by asking the Christian residents of Dothan, “How much to stay put?”

It is being reported that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are expecting twins, while Jessica Simpson’s twins are expecting stares.

Police responding to calls for help from inside a New Jersey home were surprised to discover that the calls were coming from a cockatoo. Unfortunately, the police left the home before realizing the cockatoo was just mimicking the cries of help from the couple it had just bludgeoned to death.

A freshman at Michigan State University was randomly assigned to the same dorm room his father occupied in 1978. A less fun fact: it’s also the same dorm room from which his mother made her maiden “walk of shame”.

A man in Wisconsin with obsessive-compulsive disorder says that he has eaten 23,000 Big Macs since 1972. Obviously, his obsessive-compulsiveness does not include calorie counting.

A man in Washington state was sentenced to 12 years in prison after admitting that he lured his wife into putting her neck into a noose by telling her that he had set up a haunted house in their garage for Halloween. Authorities believe the women would still be alive today if only she hadn’t chosen “trick” over “treat”.

Prosecutors in Russia want to ban "South Park," calling the cartoon series "extremist" after receiving viewer complaints from religious leaders. If I were Kenny, I’d watch my back.

Polar bears at a zoo in Japan are being turned green because of algae growth in their moat…, NOT because their envious that the grizzly bears have free wi-fi and a pool table in their cave.

A 205-kilowatt photovoltaic solar array was unveiled Tuesday on the roof of the Department of Energy's main building in Washington DC. Kind of makes up for the fact that the Department of Energy keeps its Christmas lights up all year round.

Air New Zealand is offering to pay bald travelers to tattoo ads for their speedy check-in system on their heads. Many have already responded to the call, because there’s nothing sexier than bald sell-out.

MSNBC announced Monday that it is replacing Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews as co-anchors of political coverage with after the two failed to provide impartial reporting during the recent party conventions. The NBC owned network hopes to attract less controversy when it welcomes its new lead political anchor team of Al Roker and Chuck.

In time for the start of the NFL season, All-Pro wide receiver Chad Johnson has legally changed his surname to OchoCinco in recognition of his uniform number. As ridiculous as that seems, it beats his first idea of changing his name to his locker combination.

In a new tell-all book, Brittney Spears' mother reveals her daughter lost her virginity to a high school football star when she was only 14. The book goes on to say that Jamie Lynne Spears, determined not to follow in her sister’s footsteps, lost her virginity at 14 to a high school lacrosse star.

It’s been announced that there will be two more Spider Man movies, although the plot lines may be running a bit thin. The next one is just Tobey Maguire getting the Spidey suit let out a few inches.

This past Sunday, after twelve years and 5124 performances on Broadway, the hit show "Rent'" ended its run. And so begins the show’s next incarnation, “What do you mean we’re not getting our security deposit back?”

Police in Utah say actor Gary Coleman hit a fan with his truck outside a bowling alley after an argument. Police are still trying to determine what the dispute was over and how Coleman reached the gas pedal.

According to new reports, medical students are avoiding careers in general internal medicine, which could exacerbate the US doctor shortage. Thankfully, due to the success and staying power of shows like ER and Gray’s Anatomy, there will be no shortage of fake doctors in the years to come.

This week's jokes will all be posted on Sunday...so, you know...hang in there.

2008-09-09T09:49:00.003-05:00

2008-09-04T18:59:00.002-05:00

In her speech last night, Governor Palin said “the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull” was “lipstick.” Other than that, they’re very similar, right down to what they name their kids.

Teenage mom Jamie Lynn Spears has sent Governor Palin’s 17-year-old Bristol a baby gift package. The baby gift package included diapers, rattles and Jamie Lynn Spears' baby, Maddie.

A huge hailstorm turned parts of central Kenya white on Wednesday. Residents say they haven’t seen anything so white in their country since Barack Obama came to visit.

In France, new legislation is set to let companies make employees work more than their normal 35-hour work-week. Many French workers have threatened to protest the new law, but not on nights or weekends.

A recent study found that people without televisions are either extremely liberal or ultraconservative. The study also found that people without televisions really like to let you know that they are people without televisions.

2008-09-03T22:28:00.007-05:00

In a rousing speech at the Republican convention tonight, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin fired back at her critics, slammed Barack Obama and shot a moose opposed to drilling in the Arctic Natural Wildlife Refuge.

Palin, the mother of a baby with down syndrome, promised parents of special needs children they would have a friend in the White House in her. With this promise, a single tear rolled down the cheek of Barbara Bush.

Footage has surfaced showing Governor Sarah Palin telling ministry students that the United States sent troops to fight in the Iraq war on a "task that is from God." Who knew she held Cheney in such high regard?

Former President and Chief Executive Officer of eBay also spoke at the Republican Convention last night. An awkward moment came after her speech, when she sold the podium to the highest bidder.

**

A new study has found men may be genetically predisposed to cheating on their mate. Just what cheating men need: an “I was born this way!” excuse.

The Florida Marlins beat the Atlanta Braves at home in front of a crowd of 600 people. After the game, it was announced the new mascot for the Marlins will be a seat filler.

2008-09-02T22:14:00.006-05:00

President Bush spoke at the Republican convention tonight via satellite. The Republicans were able to keep Bush from appearing live after convincing him the camera adds 10 approval-rating points.

The Republican convention began one day later than its scheduled start. As Bristol Palin says, better late than never.

Levi Johnston, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin's unwed, pregnant daughter Bristol, will be joining the family of the Alaska Governor at the GOP convention this week. He’ll be the one seated in the ‘no-choice’ section.

On his MySpace Page, the baby’s father describes himself as “a f***ing redneck'”, adding, 'Ya f *** with me I'll kick [your] ass”. Hey, at this point, the Palin family is just relieved to know he’s a republican.

**

Don LaFontaine, the voice of thousands of movie trailers, has died. This is one funeral…YOU…DON’T…WANT…TO…MISS.
Coming this fall.

2008-08-25T13:05:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend, Barack Obama sent a text message out to his supporters saying he’d chosen Joe Biden as his running mate. John McCain says he plans to announce his running mate the old fashioned way; he’s going to text it from a rotary phone.

At the kick-off show to her world tour, Madonna compared John McCain to Hitler. The McCain camp quickly retaliated by comparing Madonna to Madonna.

An Italian priest is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns to fight the stereotype that they are all old and dour. At least one priest has taken notice of the #1 reason people are leaving the church: not enough sexy nuns.

2008-08-20T13:34:00.006-05:00

Instead of the traditional appearance on a box of Wheaties, Olympic legend Michael Phelps has chosen to appear on boxes of Kellogg's sugar laden Frosted Flakes. It’s all part of Phelp’s plan to make sure every American child grows up too fat to ever challenge his record.

A human rights group reported that more than 200,000 children were spanked in U.S. schools during the past school year. Only half was consensual.

Maudie White Hopkins, the last widow of a confederate army veteran has died, or, ceded from the material world.

Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for the beer Stampede Light Plus, while her younger sister continues to be the face of a Stampede.

Dozens of people gathered by the Milwaukee River for the unveiling of a statue of "Happy Days" character, the Fonze. The ceremony was briefly interrupted when the statue was attacked and sexually assaulted by a pack of horny sixty year olds.
Pinky Tuscadero is being sought for questioning.

2008-08-18T11:10:00.015-05:00

The Australian press is reporting that a lost humpback whale calf has bonded with a yacht it seems to think is its mother. Meanwhile, somewhere nearby, a female Humpback whale is raising a rowboat.

Actor Sylvester Stallone plans to advertise Russian vodka. Stallone is preparing for the commercials by chopping wood, running up snowy embankments, and dragging around rock-filled sleds.

There is now a school in New York for aspiring reality stars. So, if “you want fame? Well, fame costs”, but if you want 15 minutes of fame, well, walk-ins are accepted. Cash only, please.

A new study suggests people on anti-depressants may have impaired driving skills. On the other hand, they don’t take it as personally when you cut them off.

Condoleezza Rice said she hoped to one day see Saudi women competing in the Olympic Games. Saudi men will settle for one day seeing Saudi women.

2008-08-13T15:16:00.004-05:00

China has admitted to having a 9-year old girl lip synch the national anthem in the opening ceremony of the Olympics because the actual singer wasn’t pretty enough. The news came as a shock to the most of the western world, who before this thought they all kind of looked the same.

The image-obsessed China was unapologetic about putting a cuter child on the world stage over the real singer, but did apologize profusely over its women’s softball team for looking so “butch”.

In a statement released today, the real singer, a chubby faced 7 year old with crooked teeth, said she was honored that China used her voice and one day hopes to be ugly enough to be lip-synched professionally.

**

Republican John McCain's wife has been treated for a "minor sprain" after someone at a campaign event in Michigan shook her hand firmly. Might be time for someone to make the switch to the “terrorist fist jab."

The world’s tallest woman died early Wednesday. The family asks, in lieu of flowers, please send trees.

2008-08-10T15:23:00.008-05:00

The ex-mistress of former presidential candidate John Edwards said she will not participate in DNA testing to establish the paternity of her daughter. Close call for Edwards, who was dreading having to choose which strand of hair to yank out for DNA sampling.

Former "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken is a father. The baby has already uttered his first word: “Really?”

A McCain campaign adviser said that Joe Lieberman is being vetted as a potential running mate. Apparently, John McCain is also trying to lose the 2000 election.

In the showcase match-up of the Olympics, the U.S. basketball team swept past hosts China with a final score of 101-70. NBA stars showed their sportsmanship after the game by letting China team members climb up on their shoulders and dunk.

During his seven and a half years in office, President Bush has declared 422 major disasters. Each declaration ended with, “If you think this is bad, wait until you see our response!”

2008-08-07T16:06:00.008-05:00

Greyhound has scrapped an ad campaign that extolled the relaxing upside of bus travel after one of its passengers beheaded and cannibalized another traveler. The ad campaign replacing it will be extolling the virtues of walking.

Scientists have created the world's thinnest balloon, made of a single layer of carbon just one atom thick. The scientists believe the invention can help birthday clowns meet the rising demand for ‘Balloon Nicole Richie’s.’

A new report has found the average time that hospital emergency rooms patients wait to see a doctor is almost one hour. For those without health insurance, it’s one hour and two blackouts.

A new government study says if the trends of the past three decades continue, every American adult could be overweight 40 years from now. Happy America? We’re going to be Canada’s “fat friend”.

A U.S. military jury will allow Osama bin Laden's driver to be eligible for release in just five months. In the meantime, Osama’s just going to have to get used to the idea of pubic transportation.

2008-08-04T07:58:00.001-05:00

A new study has found that children have lost touch with the natural world to the point that they are unable to identify common animals. The only thing they do know for sure is that they’re all CGI.

Scientists have found the world's smallest snake. The snake is 4 inches long, thin as a strand of spaghetti and… um, someone please tell these scientists they’ve just discovered the “worm”.

China has announced it will censor the Internet used by foreign media during the Olympics. It’s part of the Chinese government’s effort to encourage the press to hit the streets and experience the oppression first hand.

Paris Hilton's mother is angry with John McCain for featuring her daughter in a political ad that pokes fun of Barak Obama’s celebrity. Paris is also upset, and is even threatening to vote.

US researchers have come up with a pill that mimics the effects of exercise. Common side effects include hounding others about how they can bench and believing that you’re more attractive to the opposite sex than you really are.

2008-08-01T12:07:00.002-05:00

The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC. Unfortunately, it’s a “you had to be there” kind of joke.

A member of the Saudi religious police has been accused of having six wives at the same time - two more than allowed under religious laws. Besides being against the law, how does he think this makes the other four wives feel?

At a news conference on Wednesday, comedians Cheech and Chong announced their first comedy tour in 25 years. Several hours later, comedians Cheech and Chong held a news conference to announce their first comedy tour in 25 years.

Australian swimming's glamour couple, Stephanie Rice and Eamon Sullivan, have split up just before the Olympic Games. The two insist their break up will not effect their performance in the relays, though they will no longer be representing Australia in the chicken fighting competition.

Sean Combs new show, "I Want to Work for Diddy," premiers next week on VH1. In the show, Diddy will seek out a personal assistant who can type over 100 new names a minute.

2008-07-28T08:15:00.004-05:00

A loyal UPS driver of 20 years who died this week was honored by being driven from the funeral home to the funeral services in his UPS truck. From there, friends and family tearfully watched as the wrong package was lowered into the ground.

The hosting duties for the upcoming Emmy Awards will be shared by five different reality show hosts. The decision to use reality show hosts is already having an effect; today, John Adams just made an alliance with Gossip Girl.

Senator John Warner has expressed interest in the idea of a national speed limit to conserve gasoline. It’s all part of his goal to have everything move as slow as congress.

The written prayer that Barack Obama left last week in the cracks of the Western Wall has been retrieved and published in an Israeli newspaper. The note begins, “Dear Wall, Ever get tired of all the reverence?”

Talking to reporters, Barack Obama insisted he’ll choose his running mate based on ability to govern, not to help win a state in November. So no Obama/Larry The Cable Guy ticket?

2008-07-25T15:06:00.005-05:00

Hasbro Inc., the company that owns Scrabble, is suing the creators of the Scrabulous program on Facebook. They couldn’t just “challenge” them?

50 Cent has sued Taco Bell, claiming the fast-food restaurant chain is using his name in their advertising without his permission. Of course, he wouldn’t have this problem if he were named anything over $1.75.

Madame Tussauds unveiled a waxwork of Amy Winehouse on Wednesday. The question now is, which one will melt down first?

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is scheduled to meet with the Dalai Lama today. McCain says he’s excited to finally have a meeting where he can show up in his bathrobe and not feel out of place.

The national Enquirer claims to have cornered former Presidential candidate John Edwards visiting his mistress and secret love child at a Los Angeles hotel. In other news, Edwards was just endorsed by Bill Clinton.

2008-07-22T15:40:00.003-05:00

The office cubicle celebrates its 40th birthday this month. So, if you work in a cubicle and want to get it something special, how about more pictures of your cat. It loves those. Really. Can’t get enough.

The New York Times has rejected an essay that Sen. John McCain wrote defending his Iraq war policy. To add insult to injury, The Times has agreed to publish Sasha Obama’s essay on how she spent her summer vacation.

Sources close to Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign are suggesting he will reveal the name of his vice presidential selection this week. Upon hearing this, half of the possible candidates simultaneously shouted, “Not it!”

A new study shows found that Viagra helped woman on antidepressants have orgasms. That’s one way to cheer them up.

Christian Bale was arrested for allegedly assaulting his mother and sister in London. If only there was a vigilante superhero to stop this sort of thing.

2008-07-21T07:18:00.006-05:00

The new Batman movie "The Dark Knight" smashed the record for biggest opening weekend ever, taking in an estimated $155.34 million. Coming in a distant second, but still pulling in a respectable $33 million was “Mamma Mia”, which has to make you wonder how well a “Dark Knight” infused with ABBA songs would have done.

In Texas, a prisoner charged with murder escaped from jail by losing enough weight to climb through an air conditioner vent less then a foot wide. Police are warning residents in the area to be on the lookout for a man in an orange jumpsuit ordering chopped salads but only eating half.

The CW has confirmed that Shannen Doherty will be reprising her role as Brenda Walsh on the upcoming 90210 spinoff, which kind of makes her one of those people who never leaves the zip code that she grew up in.

Rudy Giuliani bought presidential candidate John McCain to a Yankees Game yesterday. Knowing McCain’s physical condition, it probably wasn’t very cool of Yankees fans to try and get the wave going.

A new rule requires chain restaurants in New York to post calorie information next to each menu item. Just to avoid any confusion, a McDonald’s #3 is not just 3 calories.

2008-07-16T20:28:00.006-05:00

A Michigan man wore a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt to a meeting for sex with an undercover cop he thought was a minor. The man is being charged with one count of attempted child sexual abuse and one count of assuming kids get irony.

Last night, baseball’s greatest took part in the final Major League All-Star game at Yankee Stadium. The most exciting moment of the game was when A-Rod’s wife caught Madonna stealing.

John McCain addressed the annual convention of the NAACP today. It’s all part of his “I think there’s been some kind of mix up” tour.

A plan is set to give hundreds of Denver's homeless tickets to movie theaters while the Democratic National Convention is in town next month. The plan is being met with heavy resistance from homeless advocates who feel August is a shitty month for movies.

Ben & Jerry's are honoring Elton John’s first-ever Vermont performance with a new flavor called, "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road." Coming in a close second, “Boa Pecan”.

2008-07-14T07:30:00.005-05:00

It was announced yesterday that Anheuser-Busch has accepted a $52 billion takeover bid from Belgium-based InBev. The deal was expected to be struck months ago, but delays are to be expected when your negotiating table is covered with ping-pong balls and plastic cups.

There are still some kinks to be worked out, as both companies woke up this morning and don’t remember ever making the deal.

**

Actor Josh Brolin was arrested for getting into a barroom brawl in Shreveport, Louisiana, where he’s filming a movie in which he plays President Bush. When Bush heard this, he said, “I can’t believe they’re making a movie about my twenties.”

**

Angelina Jolie has given birth to twins, a girl and a boy. It may be too early to call, but both are on the short list to be named People Magazine’s Sexiest Babies of 2008.

Doctors reported that after the twins saw their parents, they immediately stopped crying and high-fived.

2008-07-10T08:42:00.022-05:00

Barack Obama says he now regrets putting his daughters under the spotlight for an interview with Access Hollywood. Still, he says he'd rather see them on the next “Real World” than see Jesse Jackson within 50 yards of a microphone.

On a Fox News program, Jesse Jackson made an off-the-record remark that he wanted to cut off Obama's testicles, unaware that a hot microphone picked up the comment. Jesse has apologized for the remark, but just in case, Obama now has four secret service agents assigned exclusively to ball detail.

17 year old Jamie Lee Spears will appear on the cover of OK magazine with her new baby. She said she chose to appear in OK because that’s her favorite word.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dismissed a potential attack by the US as a “funny joke”. Apparently, he hasn’t heard the one about the cowboy who walks into a Baghdad.

New DNA tests have definitively cleared the parents of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey. Now the only thing they’re guilty of is going a bit too heavy with the mascara.

2008-07-09T16:39:00.010-05:00

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Not surprisingly, Barrymore claims things started to fall apart as soon as her AppleCare Plan was up.

The wife of Alex Rodriguez has filed for divorce. So far, the divorce has not effected Alex’s hitting and he still leads the league in On Madonna Percentage.

A new poll has found that pet owners favor John McCain over Barack Obama. The pets themselves also prefer McCain, believing he’s the candidate more likely to support mid-afternoon naps.

2008-07-07T08:29:00.004-05:00

A man flew his lawn chair rigged with helium-filled balloons more than 200 miles across the Oregon desert on Saturday. Bye-bye dependency on foreign oil...

NBC Universal and two partners have reached a deal to buy The Weather Channel for $3.5 billion in cash. You fucked up one too many times, Roker.

President Bush defended his decision to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing next month, saying that to boycott the event "would be an affront to the Chinese people", adding, “and you don’t want to piss off the people that write our fortunes.”

Convicted French serial killer Charles Sobhraj, sentenced to life in prison for over 20 murders, is engaged and plans to marry a woman 44 years younger than he is. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath and Bludgeon. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Rockers Bon Jovi will play a free concert in Central Park on July 12… tunnel traffic permitting.

2008-07-02T14:07:00.005-05:00

Starbucks is set to close over 600 stores due to a faltering economy. Analysts say this could have a disastrous effect on the third act of over 1200 unfinished screenplays.

A domesticated chimpanzee who is toilet-trained and can eat with a knife and fork is at large after walking out of the Southern California home where he was raised. As of now, there are no clues as to why he left, only the long shot theory that he got tired of putting the seat down and using a fucking salad fork.

Actor Dennis Haysbert believes his role as the U.S. President on Fox’s 24 may have helped pave the way for Barack Obama. After all, his role as the spokesman for Allstate has helped many African American men realize their dream of selling auto insurance.

A rape charge against Rikki Rockett has been dropped after authorities determined that the Poison drummer was not in the state at the time of the alleged crime. Also, turns out, Rockett isn’t even a dude.

2008-07-01T15:14:00.001-05:00

A surprising new study shows that the majority of firearm deaths are from suicide. Jeez. How long is the waiting period for sleeping pills?

The United States leads the world in rates of marijuana and cocaine use, World Health Organization researchers said on Tuesday. How bad is our habit? We just pawned Rhode Island to buy an eight ball.

Astronomers have discovered that Earth emits an ear-piercing series of chirps that could be heard by any aliens who might be listening. Just in case, on the count of three, everyone yell, “sorry about the noise”.

Former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama talked on the phone Monday morning. The call ended like most of Clinton’s calls: with Bill abruptly hanging up when his wife walked in.

Video game developer Activision released a version of its popular “Guitar Hero” game featuring songs exclusively from Aerosmith. The game’s release was delayed after early testing showed players checking into rehab after every other song.

2008-06-30T11:25:00.006-05:00

According to SAG leaders, Hollywood actors could go on strike in July. The bad news is this could mean a lag in movie production. The good news is, if you’re in Hollywood, your waiter will definitely be right with you.

Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay, told reporters he may have fathered another child while separated from the star’s mother. That would make her Lindsay’s half-train wreck.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe was sworn in on Sunday after being declared the overwhelming winner of an election widely discredited by violence and intimidation. Still, gotta give him credit for not playing the race card.

A millionaire who held two housekeepers as virtual slaves in her Long Island mansion was sentenced to 11 years in prison. After the sentencing was handed down, the woman turned to the housekeepers and warned, “The place better be clean when I get back.”

Metallica has announced its new album will be titled "Death Magnetic". The album was originally going to be called “Magnetic”, but the band then decided that wasn’t “deathy” enough.

2008-06-27T14:32:00.007-05:00

Democrats Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton made a joint appearance today in the New Hampshire town of Unity. If you’re not familiar with Unity, it’s located right between Bittertown and Inyourfaceville.

A Washington woman was sentenced to two years in prison for her role in the infamous Nigerian email check scam. Scam?

Madonna has announced she’s ending her marriage to Guy Ritchie. The material girl has already lined up Paul McCartney’s lawyer and will be using the backup lawyers from her divorce from Sean Penn.

Actor Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame is suing a website over a video of him having sex with a model. Meanwhile, the model is suing Verne Troyer for calling that “sex”.

Today, the German government unveiled a bundle of measures to whip millions of overweight adults and children into shape. Uh oh.

2008-06-26T19:06:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow, Bill Gates will end his full-time tenure as Microsoft's leader. A spokesman said Gates will now split his time between his charity foundation and a part-time job at Best Buy to cover beer money.

It’s been confirmed that John McCain has met privately with the head of the Log Cabin Republicans, the gay Republican group. This could only mean one thing: McCain is planning on redecorating his log cabin.

President George W. Bush may soon have a San Francisco sewage plant named after him. This is particularly exciting for Bush since he never expected to be named after anything more than a rest stop.

Sen. Barack Obama has downplayed the idea that he has any type of relationship with actress Scarlett Johansson. Plus, Michelle Obama has already made it clear, “No You Can’t.”

In Miami Beach, police busted up a brothel-on-wheels operation. Police grew suspicious upon reading the vehicle’s bumper sticker, “If you don’t like my driving, how about a hand job?”

2008-06-25T16:48:00.004-05:00

In an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, Barack Obama said he listens to an eclectic mix of music on his iPod while on the campaign trail. John McCain says he tries to as well, but his iPod keeps eating his tapes.

Today, John McCain said only World War III would prompt the Republican presidential candidate to bring back the military draft. That, or one more teenager calling him “Grandpa”.

President Bush is accusing Democrats in Congress of blocking his energy proposals. It seems nothing can give traction to his plan to give polar bears jobs at power plants

A new study shows people may unconsciously change their personality when they switch languages. Habla Español, Seniorita Coulter?

Yesterday, a Brooklyn woman gave birth on a New York City train platform. Many commuters watched the birth take place, but only because it was the least graphic thing happening on the platform at the time.

2008-06-24T13:45:00.006-05:00

Months after returning to the radio, Don Imus is once again accused of making racist remarks. Imus defended himself, saying some of his best new staff members hired to shield him against accusations of racism are black.

With a shaky economy, more LA residents are being forced to live in their cars, vans or RVs. On the upside, LA traffic jams will now be called “block parties”.

Pop singer Gary Glitter, serving a three-year term in a Vietnamese prison for child molestation, plans to continue with his unfinished album when freed. Until then, you’ll just have to tide yourself over with that John Wayne Gacy Essentials box set.

Culture Club frontman Boy George's North American summer tour is in doubt after U.S. authorities refused to issue him a visa. Either way, there are still plenty of other reasons to make it out to Great Adventure this summer.

Former President Bill Clinton said through a spokesman today that he is fully committed to helping Barack Obama become president. In response, Barack’s people commented, “Yeah. We’ve noticed.”

2008-06-23T13:44:00.005-05:00

The winner of this year’s World's Ugliest Dog contest is Gus, a dog with only three legs, one eye and no hair. And yes, bitches…. he’s single.

A mob of surfers attacked paparazzi trying to photograph actor Matthew McConaughey on a Malibu beach. And, thanks to their bold actions, what Matthew McConaughey looks like on a beach will remain a mystery.

John McCain is offering a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that can deliver power at 30 percent of current costs. Also, anyone that can find his reading glasses gets $20.

In New York, a worker fell while working at the Statue of Liberty. Hey, the inscription doesn't ask anyone to “give us your clumsy”.

An upcoming book about Hugh Hefner claims the Playboy founder once had a gay tryst. If your faith is shaken, it’s important to note that during the gay sex, Hef used Ms. September as a condom.

One of the Greats. RIP.

2008-06-23T08:29:00.007-05:00

2008-06-20T12:31:00.004-05:00

Naomi Campbell was sentenced to 200 hours of community service for her "air rage" incident at Heathrow Airport. $20 says a homeless man gets a ladle of scolding hot soup in his face before that 200 hours is up.

Over 33,000 people took their lives in Japan last year, despite a government campaign to reduce the number of suicides. Then again, the campaign’s slogan was, “Don’t disgrace your family, you disgrace to your family.”

U.S. lawmakers are trying to pass legislation to remove former South African President Nelson Mandela from a U.S. list of terrorists by his 90th birthday. In addition, President Bush has pledged to not get him, dead or alive.

Martha Stewart has been refused a visa to Britain because of her criminal convictions. Nice Brits! God forbid any decent recipes should sneak into the country.

The Census Bureau has projected the world's population will be 7 billion in 2012. Fine…7 billion and 1, Senator McCain!

2008-06-19T15:36:00.009-05:00

A new report says that Australia has a higher obesity rate than the United States. Upon hearing this, America replied, “That’s only because they’re 2 meals ahead of us.”

A gang of female bandits dressed as nurses are mugging elderly women in Florida. Of course, you’re safe if you’re not in their network.

President Bush visited the Midwest today to inspect the damage inflicted by massive floods. You can tell he’s not even trying anymore; he proclaimed the area a national swimming pool.

The Vatican said Wednesday that it is working on a set of guidelines for what it considers "good cinema." The guidelines will be used to help the public seek out only those films that will never be produced.

Time Magazine is reporting that a group of girls under the age of 16 followed through on their pact to get pregnant. This isn’t going to help with their other pact: lose 10 lbs by the Junior Prom.

2008-06-18T11:01:00.008-05:00

The Boston Celtics beat the Los Angeles Lakers at home to become the 2008 NBA champs. I don’t want to say Laker fans are angry, but Jack Nicholson just added "kick Phil Jackson’s ass" to his Bucket List.

A new report shows Al Gore’s personal electricity consumption is up 10%. And this after he promised to stop eating light bulbs.

While digging into Mars' north pole region, NASA's Phoenix lander has discovered a mysterious white material mixed in with the soil. Oh my God. Mars has a coke problem.

Israeli TV anchors have started using Condoleezza Rice's name as a verb to mean "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." This is all the more interesting, because "to go endlessly around in circles, accomplishing nothing." was Condi’s nickname in college.

J.Lo performed at an elementary school graduation in Staten Island yesterday. Afterwards, many of the girls proclaimed they want to go into music, while many of the boys decided they want to go into J.Lo.

2008-06-17T11:50:00.006-05:00

The Cuban government has announced that Elian Gonzalez, the boy at the center of an international custody battle eight years ago, has joined Cuba's Young Communist Union. Here’s the difference- if he stayed in America, right now he’d be joining the cast of "Dancing with the Stars".

Reports indicate that President Bush will attempt to capture Osama Bin Laden one final time. Don’t get too excited. He got the idea right after seeing “Iron Man”.

A Minnesota Twins pitcher struck out four batters in one inning in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers. Upon hearing this, NBA refs asked MLB umpires, “How much did you get for that?”

Prince William was made a Royal Knight of the Garter in a regal ceremony on Monday. Despite his newfound status, William still insists on being treated like an ordinary prince.

Amy Winehouse collapsed on Monday at her north London home. Doctors say the singer was just lucky she fell hair first.

2008-06-16T11:32:00.005-05:00

Today, California becomes the second state to allow gays to marry. In others news, the Pottery Barn’s online wedding registry page just exploded.

A Texas man entered the Guinness Book of Records for drawing the most tattoos in a 24-hour period. Oliver Peck completed 415 tattoos, or 300 miles of barbed wire.

“The Incredible Hulk” was the top movie at the box office this weekend. Critics attribute the success to moviegoers being desperate to see someone other than Kim Cattrall rip off their clothes this summer.

Sources say President Bush is contemplating writing a memoir. Bush said, “Hey, if that Harry Potter kid can write 7 of them…”

Unconfirmed sources say Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee and his ex-wife, actress Pamela Anderson are once again dating. I’ll believe it when I’m masturbating to it.

2008-06-13T18:43:00.006-05:00

R. Kelly was acquitted of all charges in his child pornography trial. When asked what he planned to do now that his ordeal is over, a victorious Kelly responded, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

A deer with a single horn in the center of its head, making it look much like the mythical unicorn, has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy. Of course, it was spotted by a Centaur, and you know how they like to make stuff up.

President Bush made an unprecedented visit to the Vatican yesterday. Other presidents have been there before, but Bush was the first to get the Pope to do donuts in the pope mobile.

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul said Thursday night he is ending his campaign. Though he’s dropping his presidential bid, Paul did hint he would still be open to not being taken seriously for the role of VP.

News Corp's MySpace plans a global redesign next week. No word yet whether the redesign means “Tom” is getting a new t-shirt.

2008-06-12T15:04:00.007-05:00

"Grey's Anatomy" star, Katherine Heigl declined to put her name in for Emmy consideration, saying she did not feel that she was given the material this season to warrant one. Perhaps she will next season for the episode in which she’s beaten mercilessly by a pack of underappreciated, bat wielding TV writers.

An artist has used toy parts from an erector set to assemble a nearly seven-story model skyscraper in New York City. Already, the building is a huge hit with Lego tourists.

Two people have been charged with supplying drugs to Amy Winehouse. Two down, 200 to go.

A Marine was expelled for his role in a video showing a puppy being thrown off a cliff in Iraq. Upon hearing this, Barack Obama promised to bring home all puppies in Iraq within eight months.

Barack Obama has launched a Web site to dispel rumors about his faith and patriotism...and between you and me, I hear it was designed by Al-Qaeda operatives.

2008-06-11T13:31:00.005-05:00

On Wednesday, President Bush admitted that his tough rhetoric had given the world the impression that’s he’s a "guy really anxious for war". Oh, and the whole “invading the wrong country” thing didn’t help either.

In Poland, a newborn entered the world with a blood-alcohol level of 0.29. Doctors say the baby will survive, but will not be handed its plastic keys until it sobers up.

A new report shows an increasing number of European Muslim women looking to reclaim their virginity are undergoing a procedure that restores their hymens. The procedure is known "hymenoplasty", or more commonly, “sewing your wild oat”.

The world's fastest supercomputer was unveiled earlier this week, a $100 million machine that can perform 1,000 trillion calculations per second in a sustained exercise. Nevertheless, the super computer confessed it can’t friggin wait to get that new iPhone next month.

A city Health Department study finds that more than a fourth of adult New Yorkers are infected with the virus that causes genital herpes. Even more alarming: two thirds of all NYC subway seats have been diagnosed with Gonorrhea.

2008-06-10T15:38:00.007-05:00

AC/DC's next studio album will be sold exclusively at Wal-Mart stores. No one is saying they sold out, but the first single planned for release is, “For those about to shop, (we salute you).”

Presidential candidate John McCain joked that he’s using Google to search for his running mate. In all seriousness, he’s using eHarmony.

Archaeologists have unearthed what they claim is the world's first church in Jordan. They’re planning on returning to dig the rest of it up on Easter and Christmas.

Verizon, Sprint and Time Warner Cable have agreed with New York state officials to block access to child pornography. This marks a sharp turnaround from their prior policy: free child porn for the first month.

Supermarkets and restaurants are yanking certain varieties of tomatoes after a 17-state salmonella outbreak. In other news, Fozzie Bear has cancelled all upcoming appearances until further notice.

2008-06-09T13:15:00.011-05:00

President Bush begins his last tour through Europe today. You can tell they're going to miss him over there; the protesters were burning paper mache going-away cakes in effigy.

Today Bush will attend the EU-US Summit in Ljubljana. Bush spent the weekend preparing by trying to sound out the name “Ljubljana”.

**

Pamela Anderson is selling her prized Dodge Viper and donating the proceeds to PETA. Anderson said it’s only right, given how many animals she screwed to get that car.

Leonardo DiCaprio is set to star in a biopic about Nolan Bushnell, the founder of "Atari". So, if you thought playing "Pong" was exciting, then just wait till you see how it was invented.

Prince celebrated his 50th birthday this weekend. He planned to celebrate the milestone birthday like it was 1999, but was only able to stay awake until 9:59.

2008-06-06T11:39:00.011-05:00

During a townhall event in Florida, John McCain said he would like to see NASA put a man on Mars. Then he got really crazy and said he’d like to see the republicans put a man in the White House.

McCain commented that one of his favorite childhood books had been Ray Bradbury's 1950 novel "The Martian Chronicles," about humans colonizing Mars. One invasion at a time, ol’ fella.

When asked to respond, Barack Obama said he would work to pull a man off of Mars.

**

Barack Obama met privately Hillary Clinton on Thursday in Washington. No one knows what exactly what was discussed, but Barack did say he only had to use their “safe word” twice during the meeting.

**

Yesterday, two daredevils climbed the New York Times building in midtown Manhattan just hours apart. Both originally planned to climb the Fox News building, but found it way too slippery.

Following the daring stunts, the New Times heightened its building security today, with several of its columnists requiring special clearance just to climb into their ivory towers.

2008-06-03T13:39:00.007-05:00

The AP released a story today claiming that Hillary Clinton will drop her presidential bid this evening. How about that? Barack quits church- three days later, he witnesses his first miracle.

Sources have confirmed that if Clinton were offered the VP post, she would seriously consider Barack Obama as her running mate.

Some top Clinton campaign officials have denied the AP report, saying they still firmly believe that only Clinton can defeat herself in November.

Among the many regrets the Clinton campaign must live with, the most painful will likely be not stickering enough babies' heads earlier in the campaign.

2008-06-02T15:59:00.003-05:00

A fire shut down Universal Studios film and TV studio on Sunday. The fire managed to destroy a popular "King Kong" attraction, but not before the ape took out several LAFD rescue helicopters.

The fire also swept through some the Universal’s most famous sets, such as the town square from "Back to the Future." Someone should have seen that one coming.

The fire got close to the nearby MTV Movie awards, but was turned away after its name could not be found on the list.

**

Police in a Colorado town are searching for two robbers who wore women's thongs over their heads while holding up a convenience store. Police are on the look out for two freshman that really want to get into that fraternity.

"Sex and the City" was the biggest movie of the weekend. I don’t want to spoil anything, but your girlfriend will be slightly more obnoxious for a 24-hour period after seeing this movie.

2008-05-29T12:45:00.005-05:00

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh have successfully trained a group of monkeys to use their mind to command a robot arm to feed them marshmallows. Through this, researchers hope to create the laziest monkeys ever.

Outgoing Sen. Larry Craig announced that he is writing a book. The announcement came after Craig exited a truck stop restroom and his wife asked what took him so long in there.

New York’s Governor David Paterson has told state agencies to recognize same-sex marriages. So, a 2-hour Sex & the City movie wasn’t enough?

Sen. Barack Obama is considering a trip to Iraq before the November elections. Hillary too, but just for pleasure.

In Tallahassee, a 101-year-old woman got her driving license renewed. Afterwards, the woman complained her new license picture makes her look old.

2008-05-27T10:36:00.003-05:00

On Sunday, John McCain held a barbeque at his Arizona home for the presumptive Republican Vice President nominees and Secretary of Potato Salad hopefuls.

While chatting at least briefly with all of the potential running mates, much of McCain’s time was spent keeping Mitt Romney’s hair away from the open flame.

Sources say guests were treated to overcooked burgers, as a wary McCain refused to pull them off the grill too soon.

**

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Puerto Rico over the weekend. A decisive victory in the Puerto Rico primary would keep alive Clinton’s dream of becoming the next President of East Harlem.

If nothing else, the visit to the island gave Clinton an opportunity to break in her new belly pantsuit.

2008-05-23T09:33:00.003-05:00

Barack Obama visited a conservative Synagogue in the center of Florida’s Jewish community yesterday. Obama spent half the time speaking about the security of Israel and the other half explaining why he couldn’t stay longer for coffee and nosh.

Barack asked members of the Synagogue not to judge him because he has a funny name. “I’m not sure that’s possible”, responded the temple’s Rabbi, Moshi Rubenstein.

Barack left Florida with a deep sense of guilt over not campaigning there enough.

**

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice defended tough interrogation techniques approved by the Bush administration, saying they were necessary to protect the U.S. from new attacks. Rice added, “besides, they’re the only way to get Cheney to smile these days.”

A mother was sentenced to 20 years in prison Thursday for keeping her 17-year-old adopted son caged in her home. The teen felt justice had been served, until he learned her cage would have indoor plumbing.

440 children from a polygamist sect's ranch may be headed back home after an appellate court decision upended the custody case that sent more them into foster care. This is exciting news for the sect’s children, who just want to go back to a place where kids can be wives.

2008-05-21T17:02:00.004-05:00

Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison. Out of habit, Pearlman tried to get something closer 18 years.

Sources say Pearlman plans to spend his time in jail forming the ultimate boy-fondler band.

**

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain is set to release his health records. The McCain camp hopes the records put to rest the damaging rumors that McCain’s been dead for two years.

President Bush announced today that under a new change in policy, the US will allow Americans to send mobile phones to relatives in Cuba. Bush explained that Cubans have just as much a right to vote for the next American Idol as we do.

A mob stormed the homes of elderly people accused of witchcraft in southwestern Kenya, burning 11 of them to death. Tough time to be a witch in Kenya.

2008-05-19T10:11:00.008-05:00

A Girl Scout reportedly sold 17,328 boxes of the group's signature cookies this year. This smashes the previous record set by some other little girl with a pushy mother with lots of coworkers.

In other cookie news, an overturned trailer spilled out 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos onto Interstate 80 in Illinois. On the upside, the highway grew from two lanes to four.

Ellen DeGeneres has announced that she and Portia de Rossi will wed during a taping of her talk show. Sources say Rosie O’Donnell has agreed to be the best man.

An American soldier used a Quran for target practice in Iraq, prompting an apology from the U.S. military. In the soldier’s defense, the book shot at him first.

A 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin. Even worse, found in the embryonic twin’s stomach was a set of Russian nesting dolls.

2008-05-14T21:13:00.009-05:00

Former presidential Democratic candidate John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama earlier today. In other news, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton came out for Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's camp denies she's desperate for good news, but did confirm she has demanded a recount in West Virginia.

The Interior Department declared the polar bear a threatened species Wednesday. John Edwards responded by saying he’s ready to endorse whatever bears are running against them.

Barack Obama also won the endorsement of NARAL Pro-Choice America, a leading abortion rights advocacy organization. The group had supported Hillary Clinton throughout her political career, but let’s face it, this is a group that knows how to sever its ties.

In a television interview, it came out that Oscar-winning actress Angelina Jolie is expecting twins. Jolie said it doesn't matter whether the twins wind up being fraternal or identical, she’s going to treat them as if they’re her own.

2008-05-12T10:35:00.005-05:00

Jenna Bush was married over the weekend at the president's Texas ranch. Sources say it was a lovely ceremony, despite Dick Cheney open firing when the doves were released.

Bush’s polls numbers are so low, Jenna made him walk five feet behind her down the aisle.

The president hasn’t been this emotional since he had to give away Donald Rumsfeld.

Predictions vary on how long it will take for Bush to screw up this union.

**

Three Texas teens were busted for digging up a corpse and using its head as a bong. Authorities say they probably could have gotten away with it if they hadn’t chose to dig up a corpse from an ancient narc burial ground.

2008-05-07T11:25:00.007-05:00

Irvine Robbins, co-founder of Baskin-Robbins has died at age 90. His family has not yet decided whether Robbins will be laid to rest in a cup or a cone.

A Columbia co-ed figured out that Lindsay Lohan had walked out of a party wearing her $11,000 mink coat when she saw a picture of the star wearing the fur in a recent issue of OK Magazine. Coincidentally, this is the same way the mink found out who was wearing his coat, too.

**

Despite a loss in North Carolina and an unimpressive win in Indiana, Hillary Clinton has vowed to go " full speed on to the White House”. She’ll be the one careening down the road with the “I Break For Super Delegates” bumper sticker.

Clinton later added, if she had to, she’d be willing to carpool there with Obama.

As if Hillary’s night couldn’t get any worse, Lindsay Lohan walked out of her rally wearing her favorite pantsuit.

2008-05-05T07:29:00.010-05:00

At the Kentucky Derby, a filly named Eight Belles had to be euthanized after being edged out in the race of her life against all her male competition. Horse racing fans are calling it a tragedy, Barack Obama is calling it a story of hope.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton by just seven votes in Guam's nominating contest on Saturday. Of course, Hillary was outspent in Guam 2 to 1. Literally, Obama spent $2 there, Hillary spent $1.

Barack doesn’t actually gain any delegates from the win in Guam, but will receive a lovely vacation for three days and two nights in the tropical paradise, airfare not included.

**

Fifteen people were inducted into New Jersey's new Hall of Fame on Sunday. All Fifteen promised to pick their plaque the next time they’re driving through.

Among the inductees were Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, astronaut Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, and thanks to the online voting system, Vito from Vito’s Custom Detailing Shop in Bloomfeild, N.J, just off Route 506.

2008-05-01T12:16:00.006-05:00

A 3-year-old boy took first place in a Minnesota mullet contest. In his acceptance speech, the boy made sure to thank his parents for being dicks.

**

David Blaine broke the world record holding his breath on The Oprah Winfrey show yesterday, lasting 17 minutes and 4 seconds. Then, later on in the show, Dr. Phil came out and held his bullshit for 2 minutes, a personal best.

On hand in a rare audience appearance was Steadman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend and the previous holder of the record.

**

Islanders from Lesbos have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name, saying it insults the identity of the people of Lesbos, also known as Lesbians. Wait- The Lesbos vs. The Lesbians? HOT!

Seriously, why can’t this be settled over bowling and shots of Tequila like most lesbian wars?*

(*author knows nothing about how actual lesbian warfare is conducted)

2008-04-30T11:43:00.005-05:00

Albert Hofmann, the father of the mind-altering drug LSD, has died, or permanently “dropped out”. Thousands will gather to mourn Hofmann and watch his casket melt into the ground.

Federal authorities said the South Carolina teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told them that he wanted to die so he could go to heaven and kill Jesus. While unsuccessful, the teen was honored with “Mass Murder Plan With The Most Plot Holes Award”.

Magician David Blaine will attempt break the world record for breath-holding in front of millions on the Oprah Winfrey show. The stunt will also allow Winfrey to get a rare word in edgewise.

**

Rev. Jeremiah Wright continues to undermine Barack Obama’s presidential aspirations. Yesterday he gave an interview accusing the U.S. government of canceling "The Bernie Mac Show".

Obama said if he knew belonging to Rev. Wright’s church would haunt him this much, he would’ve joined the Latter Day Saints church, Texas branch, and had some real fun.

2008-04-29T11:05:00.005-05:00

Miley Cyrus, the 15 year-old Disney star, has apologized to fans for suggestive photos taken for Vanity Fair. The singer only hopes her mistake can serve as a lesson to other teens during their photo shoots with Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

Miley says she was led to believe the photos would be ‘artistic’, you know, like ‘Hanna Montana lunch box classy’.

The Walt Disney Company, owner of the multibillion dollar “Hannah Montana franchise”, released this statement, "… a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.” adding, “We totally missed the boat on this one.”

Vanity Fair has pointed out that the Cyrus family was present during the shoot, mostly because Billy Ray wanted to show everyone how he could still unsnap a bra with one hand.

Even with the provocative pictures hitting newsstands, Cyrus is still 2 DUIs and 4 public meltdowns short of bringing disgrace to the Disney pop star legacy.

2008-04-28T06:11:00.013-05:00

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to face off with her in a debate without a moderator, Lincoln-Douglas style. At least the Clinton camp was able to talk her down from her original wish of settling this thing Burr-Hamilton style.

Barack Obama has said that despite numerous requests, he will not engage in any more debates with Hillary Clinton before the May 6 primaries. He said after 21 debates, he’s spent so much time with her that he’s starting to feel entitled to an extramarital blowjob.

Barack Obama said in a Sunday television interview that race would not be a factor in November's presidential election. Would’ve been nice for John McCain to know before he chose his running mate, Wanda Sykes-Hall.

**

President Bush attended his last correspondents' dinner on Saturday Night. This is the annual dinner where the President gets together with the Press Corps and pretends to understand what everyone’s laughing about.

After watching the president get big laughs from poking fun of his possible successors, Dick Cheney proudly declared, “Bush tortured ‘em”.

2008-04-25T13:22:00.004-05:00

President Bush announced the economic-stimulus tax rebates will begin going out Monday. Great. Now Hillary knows I’ve got 600 bucks to burn.

Bush says the rebates should offset high energy and food prices. That’s the President’s way of saying you don’t have to cancel that trip to the Chinese restaurant this summer!

Actor Wesley Snipes admits he's already evaded his check.

**

The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have agreed to donate memorabilia to the University of California at Santa Cruz. Guess that's one way to get someone to hold your stash.

Tom Cruise is coming back to Oprah for a special two-part show. Cruise promised Oprah no craziness this time- he just wants to chat about the aliens among us that only he can beat up.

2008-04-24T10:26:00.029-05:00

After a yearlong battle, Atlantic City’s city council voted to ban smoking on the floors of its casinos on Wednesday. Finally, Atlantic City is vice free!

The ruling was a huge win for casino workers who want nothing masking the smell of the alcoholic whose been up two days trying to win his mortgage back.

FHM magazine readers voted model-actress Megan Fox the sexiest woman in the world. It should be noted, if you factor in votes from Florida and Michigan, Hillary Clinton becomes the sexiest woman in the world.

The 437 children taken from the polygamist compound in Texas are being scattered to foster homes across the state. Child Protective Services say the children are well behaved and come with their own frontier kid Halloween costume.

Child Protective Services have concerns about the culture shock in store for these children who have never been exposed to television, video games, or sex outside of marriage.

2008-04-23T13:23:00.008-05:00

This week, Laura and Jenna Bush are busy promoting their children’s book about a boy who discovers the excitement of reading. The President has already stated he’s waiting for the cartoon.

In the hours after winning Pennsylvania's Democratic presidential primary, Hillary Clinton raised $3 million, or as Obama calls it, “tip money”.

A new government report has found that the upper Midwest has the worst drunken driving rates in the country. This may explain why people in the upper Midwest are having such a hard time finding their way out of the upper Midwest.

**

A California investor has plans to develop an amusement park in downtown Baghdad. Planners predict of the 500-acre park will attract Iraqis from all over who are willing to wait in long lines to get blown up.

While the Shiites and Sunnis have not been able to come together at the negotiating table, the Iraqi government has high hopes that things will be different at the negotiating tea cups.

2008-04-22T17:28:00.006-05:00

Democratic voters in Pennsylvania came out to vote in the first primary in six weeks. I don’t want to say Hillary was nervous about this one, but she spent the entire afternoon in Amish country doing cider shots.

In an interview with ABC this morning, Hillary warned that, as president, she could "totally obliterate" Iran if it attacked Israel. This answer was surprising, considering the question was, “how ya holding up?”

Hillary acknowledged today that her White House bid rides on the outcome of the Pennsylvania primary. She then caught a glimpse of her shadow and said, “Fuck it- I’m in it for 6 more weeks either way!”

Today, Michael Moore has announced he is backing Barak Obama for President. The endorsement should be a big help to Barack in next week’s Cuban primaries.

2008-04-21T19:18:00.004-05:00

The pope wound up his visit by holding a mass at Yankee stadium, which was conveniently rolled into the Yankees annual Staff Day.

Many on hand for the mass said they felt God’s presence there with them, though they knew He’d be gone come postseason.

The Pope’s service didn’t impress everyone, as the news came down halfway through the service that Steinbrenner had traded his Holiness for two Cardinals and one Bishop to be named later.

***
Republican presidential candidate John McCain spends this week visiting economically struggling areas of the country. First stop: Clinton campaign headquarters.

Barack Obama was greeted by 35,000 people in Philadelphia, the largest crowd of his campaign. Unfortunately, they were all wearing crosses and holding shotguns.

2008-04-18T10:16:00.011-05:00

A Maryland mother has given birth to a rare set of quadruplets in which three of the four boys are identical. It’s like having one lead baby with his own set of backup criers.

A homeless New York man found two sets of confidential blueprints for the planned Freedom Tower carelessly dumped in a city garbage can. Come on people- there’s a reason we have Freedom Shredders.

Russian President Vladimir Putin denied a newspaper report that he had divorced his wife Lyudmila and planned to marry a gymnastics champion. He does, however, wish Lyudmila was at least flexible enough to do the “Upside Down Sickle” once in a while.

A passenger who was praying in the back of the plane before take off was removed after refusing to return to his seat. You’d think he would’ve preferred to save his prayers till 30,000 feet up, where he's more likely to get a signal.

A newly formed NBC Universal production unit is teaming up with an advertising agency to create programs around sponsors' products. So if you liked “Cavemen”, you’ll love NBC’s upcoming “Bears Shitting in the Woods Variety Hour.”

2008-04-17T17:56:00.004-05:00

While in town, Pope Benedict has been meeting privately for talk and prayer sessions with survivors of clergy sexual abuse scandal. Many critics of the church are praising the Pope’s efforts to reach out to the victims, though most agree that dubbing these private meetings the “seven minutes in heaven” tour is a bit inappropriate.

Today, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with all three presidential candidates. Brown remarked he looks forward to working with an allay who doesn’t greet his every visit to the States with, “Whatja bring me?”

Sen. Barack Obama suggested he doesn't see any point in another debate with Hillary Clinton after last night’s debate failed to focus on the real problems facing average voters. Sounds like the words of someone who wants to avoid explaining why he never smells like apple pie…

Edward Lorenz, a meteorologist who became the father of the modern field of chaos theory, died. Doctors say the cause of death was cancer, while others theorize he was blown out of his hospital bed by a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia.

The women's cable channel Lifetime is in talks with Donald Trump to executive produce and narrate a scripted series. It’s been speculated on for years, but it can now be said with some degree of certainty; Lifetime has low self-esteem.

2008-04-16T15:04:00.004-05:00

A crowd of more than 9,000 gathered on the South Lawn of the White House to celebrate the birthday of Pope Benedict XVI. The celebration was capped off with Pope Benedict twisting up a balloon cross for President Bush.

An ex-nanny for Rob Lowe publicly accused the actor of sexually abusing her for years. The woman claims she could not bring herself to alert the authorities until now because she “needed the job” and “come on- Rob Lowe is like every sexual abuse victim’s dream.”

A computer programmer popped the question to his girlfriend by reprogramming her favorite video game so the proposal would show up on the screen when she reached a certain level. The joyous occasion was short-lived as the woman was shot dead by an alien soldier moments after the proposal.

During a stop at Villanova University, a student asked John McCain to join him to do a shot. Senator McCain declined, at which point Hillary Clinton showed up and did kegs stands with the students until they had to pump her stomach.

Sen. Clinton outlined an aggressive agenda for her first 100 days in the White House. Day one: Show up at White House with furniture and inform the Obama’s you’re moving in.

2008-04-15T08:10:00.002-05:00

A blind British runner became only the third person ever to complete seven marathons on seven continents in seven days. The man’s seeing eye dog, released this statement: “F this guy. I want a new assignment.”

Former defense secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld is working on his memoir. Rumsfeld believes he can tell his story in 100 pages, while his publisher is insisting on another 400 pages to do the job right.

A short film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man has been purchased for $1.5 million. The buyer promised the seller the video will be kept from the public’s eye and promised himself that this is positively it for porn for the rest of year.

A new form of cloning has been developed that is easier to carry out than old techniques, raising fears that it may be used to produce "designer" babies, possibly leading to an increase in illegal but highly trendy, designer back alley abortions.

The President greets the Pope in Washington today. To keep Bush from asking too many questions, his aids told him it was crazy hat day and left it at that.

2008-04-14T04:08:00.003-05:00

A Red Sox fan attempted to jinx the new Yankee Stadium by burying a Boston team jersey under the new ballpark. Meanwhile across town, someone tried to jinx the new Mets stadium by burying a Mets jersey under it.

Britney Spears was involved in a minor traffic accident late Saturday. There was no drinking, drugs or babies involved, so Spears was let off with only a warning to make it more interesting next time.

Employees of the "Dr. Phil" television show posted bail for one of the Florida teenagers jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen. Let this be a lesson to anyone who beats someone within an inch of their life and wants to take their story to Povich.

After a week of cancellations, American Airlines says that its flight schedules are back to normal this week. Employees and customers of the airline are looking forward to getting back to delays.

An author who wrote several books for the popular Lonely Planet series of guidebooks says he made up large sections. Lonely Planet apologized to anyone who went to Chile expecting to see the world’s largest bowl of Chili.

2008-04-11T15:19:00.002-05:00

American Airlines has grounded another 595 flights. Finally, an airline that caters to people with a fear of flying.

A frog has been found in a remote part of Indonesia that has no lungs. The frog was discovered smoking Camel Lights with abandon.

Barack Obama said if elected President, he'd end the "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gays in the military. Good luck getting them to pull out.

A new chip is on the horizon that will let your iPod store 500,000 songs. Imagine having all the songs you love, plus all the ones you hate, on one device.

Rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested in South Florida for striking his wife. Vanilla was charged with simple battery, despite his promise that it was a one hit wonder.

2008-04-10T17:12:00.001-05:00

The New York Police Department will soon begin randomly testing its police officers for steroid abuse. Those testing positive will be immediately transferred off the force and onto the Yankees.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the current economic slowdown is nothing like the Great Depression of the 1930s. He then ran headlong into a plexiglass window, bounced off of it and exclaimed to reporters, “See?”

CBS is canceling its new reality show "Secret Talents of the Stars" after only one episode. Now the public will have to settle for only knowing only the overt talents of Mr. Danny Bonaduce.

Microsoft Corp unveiled a web-based service for driving directions that helps its users avoid traffic jams. The service also gives drivers 10 points for every Mac user they hit.

Sean Penn and his wife, Robin Wright Penn, have withdrawn their divorce petition. Robin Wright Penn released a statement saying, “Why should Sean be the only one that has to live with himself”.

2008-04-09T11:01:00.009-05:00

Several members of a Florida cheerleading squad have been arrested on charges of beating another teen with the intent to post it on YouTube. To give credit where credit's due, they did serve up the beating with a lot of spirit.

According to a new survey, the Bible is the most popular book in America. The survey was conducted on 2,513 adults trapped in hotel rooms.

The Pentagon has announced it is sending its new hand-held lie detectors to Afghanistan. Pentagon officials hope that sending them out of Washington will get them to stop beeping so loudly.

Tonight, all three Presidential hopefuls are scheduled to make an appearance on American Idol’s highly anticipated special, "Idol Gives Back". This will be followed immediately by the even more highly anticipated special, “Hillary Gives Up”.

A Viking ship made from ice-cream sticks set sail for England from the Netherlands on Tuesday. The ship was last seen entering the mouth of a whale getting checked for a sore throat.

2008-04-08T15:02:00.007-05:00

Scientists have discovered that Solobacterium moorei is the bug responsible for bad breath. Unfortunately, no one has the nerve to tell Solobacterium moorei that it is the bug responsible for bad breath.

Hillary Clinton called on President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games in Beijing. Bush replied “only if they don’t let me throw out the first pitch”.

China has condemned protesters in London and France for their attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch, saying “if it was a monk on fire that was passing through your country, you wouldn’t try to put him out, would you? Oh… You would? Really? Hmm. Never mind”.

A new survey from the hotel chain Travelodge found that Britons like a dose of music from the band Coldplay to help them fall asleep. Wow. Using your music as a sleep aid- it’s every band’s rock and roll fantasy.

The parents of an Indian infant girl say she is doing fine despite having two pairs of eyes and lips and two noses. The parents added that they’re much more concerned with her twin brother, Little Timmy Two Sacks.

2008-04-07T08:04:00.004-05:00

Police used tear gas early Sunday to disperse a crowd at a large party near the campus of Michigan State University. Pressure’s on, anyone throwing a party near the campus of Michigan State University in the near future.

Sunday, protesters made attempts to extinguish the Olympic torch as it arrived in London. Guess no one told the poor fools that this year’s Olympic torch was lit using the same technology as trick birthday candles.

A new study shows having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women. And if it's taking longer, then someone’s slacking off.

Jay-Z and Beyonce tied the knot over the weekend. Just to give you an idea of what a hot a bride Beyonce made, she was proposed to four times during her walk down the isle.

Over the weekend, John McCain called for a campaign that is more like a respectful argument among friends. Someone please remind McCain he’s running for president, not debating who was hotter in their day, Sophia Loren or Elizabeth Taylor.

2008-04-04T15:43:00.003-05:00

This week, Oprah Winfrey interviewed a transgender man who is in his six-month of pregnancy. The man disclosed to Winfrey that the baby is going to be a girl, at least at first.

Heathrow Airport heightened its security on Friday. No new terrorists threats; they just heard Naomi Campbell was out on bail.

Astronomers using robotic cameras said they had found the youngest planet yet. Al Gore has already pledged to save it before it hits puberty.

DNA from ancient human feces found in a cave in Oregon provides biological confirmation that people were in North America 14,000 years ago. On a side note, so was corn.

A group of third graders in Georgia planned to attack their teacher with a glass paperweight, bind her with handcuffs and then stab her with a broken steak knife. Apparently, the field trip to Abu Ghraib left an impression.

2008-04-03T17:10:00.002-05:00

A new survey has found male fans of classic rock are more likely to vote Republican. It also doesn’t hurt that John McCain ends every speech with "Freebird".

Presidential candidate Barack Obama told reporters he would consider putting Al Gore in a high Cabinet-level position. That position: Secretary of Pissing Off the Clintons.

Mariah Carey has passed Elvis Presley for the most No.1 singles on the Billboard singles chart. Call me when she can eat her own weight in fried chicken and amphetamines.

The New Kids on the Block, the once wildly popular boy band from the 80s, are reuniting. Be sure to catch them this summer on their “Old Guys Who Didn’t Invest Wisely” tour.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld narrowly escaped injury after the brakes on his vintage Fiat failed, sending his car into a roll over. Seinfeld released the following statement after the crash: “Newman”.

2008-04-01T18:51:00.006-05:00

Addressing a meeting of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO today, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa. And really, who can forget the time she arrived in Philadelphia under a barrage of Clubber Lang uppercuts.

After being for Hillary, and then for Obama, 50 Cent now says he is not sure which presidential candidate he is for. Either way, it probably won’t be the old white guy who can’t throw his hands in the air.

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using his image on billboards and the Internet without his consent. It’s basically Woody’s way of saying, please bring back the ads with hot young girls posing provocatively.

The British airline “Flybe” has hired temps to fly back and forth across England and the Irish Sea to meet a target for passenger numbers. This might explain why their flights have been arriving 20 minutes late and losing everyone’s messages.

A woman has been arrested for stalking actor John Cusack outside his Malibu home. Guess it’s only charming when he shows up outside someone’s window with a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel.

2008-03-31T07:27:00.005-05:00

On Sunday, CIA Director Michael Hayden said Al Qaeda is training fighters that "look western". Yet another reason to fear sitting next to the fat guy on your flight.

German chancellor, Angela Merkel, became the first world leader to decide not to attend the Olympics in Beijing. This is unfortunate, considering she was favored to bring home the gold in women’s weightlifting.

The Vatican's newly-released 2008 yearbook of statistics said Muslims have surpassed Roman Catholics in the world. Some are disputing the numbers, as the counters admitted that they might have accidentally counted some guy named Mohammad 8 billion times.

Senator Barack Obama has refused to go along with the growing calls for Hillary to drop out of the Presidential race. He would, however, not be opposed to Bill Clinton shutting the fuck up.

During a six-day bus tour, Barack Obama dropped by a bowling alley in Pennsylvania. Obamamania is really catching on in this state; any pins he didn’t knock down wound up fainting.